Where I Live

I live in a small place called Worthing that's population includes lots of old people and various chavs. Along with the chavs and the old people are several multi-storey car parks, 1 cinema that's falling down, another one that was put up in the dark age and lots of concrete building in the town.

For those wishing to get to Worthing I recommend the train. Although not technically a stop, the main Worthing train regularly breaks down in Lancing giving the visitor the chance to be attacked in a place fuller of chavs than Worthing. You can also come by car, just be aware that your car has to be up to spec in order to survive the large amount of pot-holes in the road. This rules out most of the Worthing buses. In addition the main road into Worthing is fairly rubbish, as much of it is pot-holed and often closed due to various incidents such as chemical spills. Before deciding to go along this road you are advised to get in contact with the local police station giving them details of when you are planning to depart, arrive and whether you'd like your remains to be buried or cremated.

Also on the travel front I feel that it would be a good idea to point out that when you hire a car from some certain places in Worthing they are normally cheaper than normal for a good reason, this is because they are missing some of the extras you would expect from other cars such as power steering or brakes.

At the top end of the hotels is Hotel Palfvi a Spanish style hotel that has been tastefully restored to a very Spanish style. You get all you would expect from this five star hotel, such as air con, cable tv and spa. However watch out when in the bath for the wiring is visibly faulty, in fact a small sign above the pumping mechanism warns that it must not be operated without a uniformed member of the local fire brigade.

If you do get in to trouble in Worthing and require assistance you can call 999. Please state clearly your problem and say who you want to respond; the police, hospital or the arson squad. You won't actually be talking to a real person, a tape will record your message, it is checked once or twice a week so be careful.

The entire region is closed on Wednesdays, and often takes an extended lunch breaks on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays... The rest of the week is spent like most other places as long as you don't mind opening your windows in the morning as listening the mating cry of a seagull or 2.

A further note to visitors: behind the great town of Worthing lies what are know as 'The Downs' a great oxymoron, such as Microsoft Works (that is another story). Worthing prides 'The Downs' as the highest mountain range in Sussex, however they are not even close to being a mountain, just a pain to walk up. Those who are interested in outdoor sports can enjoy various sports on the downs such as being pushed down in a large plastic ball or cycling down the hill at break neck speeds, only to be caught by the brick wall that was created to stop cyclists cycling down the hill...

Just outside of town lies the interesting Worthing countryside which attracts many scientists who have come to study the rare variety of insects. The most popular for lab testing is the evolved species of tick. These ticks have a very large bite which can leave the inflicted person suffering from headache, dizziness, fever, neck stiffness and itchiness; which are by extreme coincidence the same symptoms you get after listening to the Worthing Symphony Orchestra.